1/27/13

SOME AGREEMENTS ARE MADE TO FOLLOW

OLD RESIDENT
NEW RESIDENT


RULES OF THE CELL
You will need to sign this agreement before I allow you to live here. FIRST, you must realize that you are not my bunky yet. Neither are you considered a guest, or a good buddy. I see you as an intruder on my turf and I can’t stand the fact that you have shown up at my door. I DO NOT LIKE YOU.

THE RULES
1.    You will keep the area and floor clean. Do not come in here smelling like someone shit on you. If you fart in my presence you will DIE. You will shower (using soap) once daily in the winter and twice daily in the summer. You will brush your teeth when you awake, after you eat, at bedtime or any time I indicate that your breath smells like shit!

2.     The desk(s) are mine, unless I tell you which one you can use or if I allow you to use one.

3.     The window is my responsibility. I will control the window. You do not have a window; neither do you have a light. If you need light for any reason wait for it to come through my window or until I turn on the light. Don’t ask to use a light. Don’t think about asking to open or close or modify the window.

4.     The walls are mine. Do not attempt to hang any pictures without asking. The bulletin boards are mine. If there is something already posted on them, leave them the fuck alone! The same requirements apply equally to the bulletin boards as the walls.

5.     The chair(s) are mine! DON'T ask to use them. Don’t bump them or touch them or even think about using them to pull across the floor while I am sleeping or you will die!

6.      If you see a radio, fan, TV, or anything else that is not yours, keep your fucking hands off of it. If it is not yours, DO NOT TOUCH IT! Or you will die.

7.     I do not wake anyone for work, call-outs or chow. If you miss work or meals, fuck you. I do not come and get you for anyone. Fuck you, your homeboys, your cousins, your friends, and whoever else may want you.

8.     I do not provide for you, only for me. Buy your own cigarettes, matches, coffee, cosmetics and food. You will provide for you. Do not eat in this room, roll your tongue, insinuate you are hungry or ask me what is for chow. If you are hungry, fuck you! If I am hungry, feed me.

9.     Never snore, whistle, or jingle keys. Never sing, tap your feet or snap your fingers to music, either real or imagined.

10.   I do not want to hear anything about your sentence, your private life or your case, unless you pay me to listen to your shit. FUCK your case, and fuck your small talk. I do not give a fuck about you or about how doing this time drives you crazy. We all want out, we all want booze, dope and a piece of ass.

11.  DO NOT ASK PERSONAL QUESTIONS AT ALL! Your Pre-sentence Investigation Report (PSI) SHALL be placed on your locker shelf for my inspection at any time I may wish or desire to review it. EVERYTHING in the locker is yours including anything I shall desire to place there and you shall take full responsibility for it if asked by anyone.

12.   Never bring anyone to this cell while I am sleeping. If I am sleeping and your bullshit noise wakes me, prepare to fight for your life!

13.   Never bring a joint or any type of drug into this cell without telling me first. If you are taking medication tell me now what it is, what side affects it has and I (not you) will determine if you will take it or give it to me for proper disposal.

14.  You, your family, your friends may feel free to put money in my account at any time for any reason.

15.   These rules are subject to change without your foreseen knowledge or even my indicating that they have changed. If you don’t like my rules, fuck you! Remember, you are an intruder in my cell and I make the rules, NOT you, (clown)!

16.   If by my determining you are just one stupid, ignorant, illiterate punk and cannot read, I will read these rules to you. If you do not know how to spell your fucking name when you sign this, place an X on the dotted line and your prison number after the X.

Sign below to indicate that you have read and understand these rules, or place an X with your number after it.

Signed: ……………………………………………………….

17 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Unless of course you are bigger than me?

the walking man said...

Bigger doesn't count Charles the Old Resident knows where he has his shank hidden and where the other beat down stuff is at. The new Resident doesn't know shit other than his crew s out in the yard or somewhere else and if he is a really new resident he doesn't even have a crew.

Everywhere has a pecking order and everywhere establishes it in the way that is best suited to the environment.

jodi said...

JR-i suppose telling him to kiss my ass wouldn't fly...

Anonymous said...

Reads like a prenup.... :)

Hucks Gang

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That's what the Russian translates to. Looks like an ad for male enhancement. More vodka doesn't help. Just ask Ivan. Enjoyed the read JR. Have to agree with the gang. Huck :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow lots going on here. JR, TWM hits it right on the money. Seems like some agreements even when signed for have to be enforced. In prison that can mean a whole lot of something....messy... messy...
Enjoy your stories and spin. MW

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Andy said...

If it were that easy to do time, everybody would be a career criminal. Seniority is sacred in our society, even in institutions set up to create better criminals.

Nice work. Keep it coming!

Mona said...

Now I wonder which prison that is...

Reading Baudrillard Simulations, I think all the prisons out there make us 'hallucinate' that we who are outside them , are free beings...

Ps. Even I have started following the advice give in the poem that we read about using the word 'fuck' ;D

Whitenoise said...

Hey Jim, hope all is well. Or, well enough, at least. Cheers.

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