EGO DEATH

Charles Manson & Marlin Marynick

To achieve ego death, you must slow down, stop being the person you tried to be for the people you felt you had to please, and ultimately be yourself. It amounts to changing your definition of self, which others have undoubtedly doled out to you.

       Graywolf in “Charles Manson Now” by Marlin Marynick p.193

I’m whatever you want me to be.

                              Charles Manson

My identity hangs in the balance, oscillating more toward Graywolf’s Buddhists-like philosophy than his friend Charles Manson’s declaration. The Charlie route seems easier; whereas, a rebirth is difficult, especially with the courts serving as a constant reminder of what others think my societal role should be. I do know this: I’m sane. I’ve always been sane. I’ve never been diagnosed with a mental illness, nor have I been treated for one; yet, the Wild Buffalo troop claim that I refused medication, that I’m unstable, that I’m a potential killer in the night, or whatever other images they could conjure up—their way of trampling my rights.

Betrayal’s a bitch. Our realties hang in the balance. Certain triggers affect us in different ways. As a psychiatric nurse working in a prison Marynick found his solace, his inner peace, long after his mother’s suicide when he became desensitized to an unusual cast of characters including The Claw, a man who would steal keys, pens, solvents, cleaning products and whatever else he could ingest. Marynick writes:

His hand had been severely disfigured in an incident during which he’d held an unwilling Rottweiler by the tail and licked the dog’s genitals while masturbating. The dog was desperate to get away and resorted to chewing off most of his molester’s hand and arm in order to free himself. What remained of the limb was fashioned into a makeshift appendage that strongly resembled a claw. p.64

Marynick describes how The Claw used a stolen plastic knife:

… with the flimsy utensil he cut off his penis, spraying blood all over his cell. He put the severed appendage on the end of his index finger and began showing it off like a finger puppet.  p.66

Manson shares a similar story regarding a correctional officer’s confrontational comment. Inmate Wilson was cutting out picture frames in his cell when the CO told him, “You’re not bad, you’re a punk.” Manson writes:

Butcherman took the single-edged razor blade, and grabbed his own ear and cut it off, and then he grabbed his other ear and cut it off. He had both his ears in his hand, and he stuck them in his mouth, and he chewed them up, and he spit them in the cop’s face. He said, “That’s bad, you son of a bitch!” He said, “As soon as I get out of my cell, I’m going after your motherfucking ass. If I did that to myself, you know what I would do to you.” He said, “I’m Wilson, you remember that!” And I (Manson) said, “I christen you Butcherman Wilson.” p.211

By the time Marlin Marynick meets Manson he summarizes:

If it weren’t for the history and the madness, Charlie could have been like the many people I’ve met who are simply trying to find their way through a world that seems completely alien, a reality they never fully understood. p.357

Fortunately for me, I’ve gotten at my reality—the here and now of it—without letting someone define me, without giving them what they want. Unlike Charlie, I’m not whatever you want me to be, nor do I care what you think I should be, or should have been.