LOST SCARECROW IN AN ANCIENT GARDEN

I’m playing Solitaire and winning, so why the emotional detachment? I’m in the basement of my parent’s home on my Dad’s antiquated computer (Windows 98, no internet). I’m alone. I’m thinking, where do I go from here? How do I re-establish myself, my identity?

I’m floating around, each night in a different place, each meal a surprise, served with hospitality, yet I know not to stay too long—there’s no sense in getting comfortable or wearing out my welcome. I’ve witnessed diametrically opposed actions: mean-spiritedness & genuine concern (both, of which can get you into trouble).

I’m re-reading some of my favorite short-stories; not in their entirety, nope, only the sections that appease me, like the opening paragraph of Howard Luxenberg’s “Civics Lesson”:

Why would a middle-aged man, a prosperous middle-aged man, a partner in an architectural firm, the father of two – Sarah, 16, and Noah, 10 – husband in good standing to the lovely Rebecca, a man faithful and considerate (but firm when the occasion warranted), a macher in the local conservative synagogue, my long-standing friend or at least the embodiment of those pillared qualities, if not a pillar per se – why would such a man, why would this man, Gideon Stern, place on his lawn a chiseled granite statue of two dogs fucking?

Such a brilliant narrative: how he questions his neighbor’s motives. I needn’t read any further. I already know that Gideon Stern loves his wife; I already know that the “lovely” Rebecca has been fooling around on him. None of which matters to me—I’m not interested in the blow-by-blow, in-your-face arguments, the warring factions—I’m interested in the opening conflict only.

Then there’s Craig Bernthal’s “A Knight Pursued”:

Mark Altschuler awoke, priapic with yearning for his wife, or perhaps, he had to admit, for women in general: after all, what did hormone fluctuations know about loyalty?

Is this coincidental? Are all stories constructed with a tinge of sexual tension? Why am I re-reading stuff dealing with this particular theme … especially now? Is it an escape from my own problems? Is it pure entertainment? Or am I reading for the sake of reading, going through the motions, searching for answers I may never find?

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Status: I am down to 135 pounds, disappearing into an ever-changing routine. Call me a scarecrow lost in an ancient garden. I’ve quit my therapy in exchange for a support group far better. Thank you, Mark and Jodi for all those coffee sessions. Thank you Erik for the Ramones CD (I’ve heard more are on the way). Also, thank you, Michelle for sending good wishes. The list is much longer: I can’t forget my brother and parents, as well as the best man & maid-of-honor on my wedding day for taking me in and feeding me, or the co-worker who let me stay overnight in his house on such short notice. Thank-you all!