2/12/11
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS: A LOVE STORY
I’m not easily offended. So when our former prison librarian stood outside my classroom ready to apologize for something she had said, I told her, “Hey, you’re entitled to your opinion. You needn’t apologize.” Whatever it was wasn’t important—if it were, I would have remembered. Then, as a peace offering that wasn’t necessary, she told me she wanted to give me her dead ex-husband’s neckties. I could see the tears welling-up; I could see she was ready to lose it, right there, right then, in the hallway, in full view of the inmates inside my classroom. After an awkward moment of nonverbal reassurance, I said, “I love ties. Just drop them off at the front desk tomorrow and I’ll pick them up.”
Afterward, some of the inmates commented about how the librarian, fifteen years my senior, had the hots for me. I dismissed such nonsense. Coming from them, a woman who talks to you is looking for one thing and one thing only. Their delusional fantasies get the better of them, get them into trouble. I told them not to speak disrespectfully about my coworker. To shut up.
From what I could gather, but I’m not exactly sure of the arrangement, or the specifics, the librarian had remarried her ex-husband so he could get healthcare benefits. Whether they were able to conceal his pre-existing condition, I’ll never know. What I do know is this: She had referred to him as “the ex-husband,” even after his death. I often wondered why she took him back, why she was willing to go through all that suffering with him.
I did wear those damn neckties. Not that I had wanted to. Why would I give a prisoner an easy opportunity to strangle me? Perhaps I wore those neckties for moral support because, from my observations, the librarian seemed very lonely, very sad, and somewhat isolated from her coworkers. But I didn’t wear those neckties for long. The librarian had been placed under investigation for allegedly performing oral sex on her library clerk, an inmate doing a life sentence. I didn’t want to believe it. F**king convicts stirring up trouble, that's what I thought. I guess I was in denial. After all, inmates will prey on your loneliness, they’ll suck you into their games, they’ll try to make you feel special. She had messed up royally and now other inmates wanted a piece of the action. A denied piece of ass meant snitch kites to the inspector, which in turn created a dangerous situation for everyone involved, thus the investigation.
In the end, the librarian either quit her job or was fired. Last I heard, she married the library clerk and to this very day visits him regularly. My questions are: 1) How much suffering and loneliness can a person endure? And 2) At what point is love no longer worth the effort?
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7 comments:
when does love become desperation, become despair?
Your question is very significant. Such questions crop up, when we confuse aloneness. Aloneness is an absolutely perfect state. It is the ultimate, where you are enough unto yourself. Its is absolutely beautiful. Loneliness on the other hand is a negative state, where the 'other'( whatever or whoever) is needed.
Loneliness cannot create love. It creates need. And love is not need. It is a luxury and it comes out of aloneness , when you are tremendously alone and happy and joyous and a great positive energy goes on storing in you, which is so overflowing, that you would like it to be shared. Then you give, because you have so much, and you give without asking anything in return. That is Love. and Love is effortless and spontaneous and simple.You just shower it.
Efforts to share or escape into distractions have bad results.
A lonely person on the other hand is a beggar, an empty heart.He cannot relate because his need is so much. He leans upon the other, tries to possess the other because he is constantly afraid : " If the other goes then I will be left lonely again". Hence there is so much possessiveness in this world. The reason is simple, that if the other leaves, you will be miserable again.You even feel miserable with the very idea of misery. So a lonely person tries to possess the other, possess so totally, that there would be no possibility of escaping from you. And the other is also doing the same thing to you. Here love becomes an effort. love becomes an utterly miserable thing. Love becomes politics, domination, exploitation!
...and it is lonely still...because lonely people cannot love...
One wonders why people cannot leave each other...your librarian cannot leave her ex husband or the convict husband...That is because she cannot leave!
They cannot live together, they cannot separate either. In fact the very idea of separation is creating the conflict. They cripple each other so that the other cannot escape even if he/she wants to escape.They fight each other, but they cannot leave.They cripple each other so that the other cannot escape even if he or she wants to.They burden each other with such responsibilities and such moralities that if the other leaves, he will automatically start feeling guilty, thinking he is doing something wrong!
So the so called "effort" in love is nothing but a continuous haggling for a price, and the so called love is nothing but a marketplace!
Wow, Mona! Your explanation is very timely. Just this morning I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and couldn't believe that I had actually liked what we American male's refer to as "a chick flick." I really enjoyed the main character's experiences in India (made me reflect back on "Shantaram"). The movie was way way way better than Julia Roberts's "Blind Side."
I'm going to read through your explanation again, and perhaps meditate on it. To be honest, right now it's too much for me to digest.
Well, I must say your expository writing is top-notch now.
As for loneniness and need, I recall while and exile in Mexico,writing my novel, I bragged in a letter to my estraged wife, "Im meeting some real people here, lately a Broadway playwright named Bernardo Schoenfelt.
She wrore back, Scheoenfellat?
Are you changing polarity on me dear?
Egad.
Anyway, when younger and still believing that "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world", I do recall in Mexico on many occasions when it seems I'd do anything with anybody just so as not to be alone.
Well, no, not Schoenfellat.
But I swear I made it one night with a lonesome lesbian.
Oh hell. Maybe I am one.
In the case of the librarian I think you answered both questions in your text.
JR enjoyed the read. Mona your response was profound and like JR I will be reading it a couple more times. JR I did not like that the department knew this was happening and let it go on so they could make a case. I told them that that was poor management and no wonder they get sued and lose so often in court. While they make their case more people can get hurt should they walk in on something. Enjoyed the post. MW
JR-OMG I love what Mona said. She is so wise. And, I told you you would love EPL!!
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